Loneliness and Locusts

Caleb loves music.  One of the main things that CMV causes in most cases is hearing loss.  I am so thankful that he can hear, and that he loves music.  It dawned on me that he has never heard music before, beside the loud dinging of monitors and the screams of other babies in withdrawal.  Then it dawned on me that no one has ever kissed his sweet face or held his head to bare chest so that he could hear a heartbeat. No one has oohhhed and ahhed over him.  Last night we had an amazing nurse and as she began showing us some things that the volunteers have brought for Caleb, my heart began to hurt.  We have a piece of green paper with his tiny footprint made into an ornament for the Christmas tree.  We have a crocheted red and white miniature santa hat.  We have bags of unused, unseen gifts from people with loving hearts.  But no one kissed my baby.  No one said I love you in his ear.  He's been fed and changed and even held by a few gracious volunteers.  For them I am so very thankful.  The realization that he's been here alone in a crib, in pain, with no one to LOVE him, kills me.  I can't describe what it's been doing to me inside.  I ached inside at Christmastime for Selah.  Just last week I was mourning her due date.  I was sitting at a baby shower for a dear dear friend hurting deep inside for my baby, the one in heaven and the one I knew that God had promised me.  At Christmas we had family in town and enjoyed ourselves.  Every day Cassidy and I would say to each other, I'm ready for Caleb to come.  I would cry out to God in bed at night and ask him why so long, why so hard, why this path.....why why why and when when when.  I would stare at the cradle in my bedroom and wonder if a baby would ever really use it.  For 5 weeks he's been here.  Since before I made my grocery trip for Christmas dinner and before our Little Proclamations performance.  He's been lying in a little bed, alone.  I've longed for him, and the nurses tell me he longed for me.  Each one that comes on duty says the same thing.  "I'm so very glad you are here, he's been needing you."  At first it made me feel good.  Now I just hurt.  I want the past 5 weeks back.  I want to be here for my sweet baby.  I want to kiss his face while he fights a burp and let him hear my heart beat while we sleep.  I want him to know unconditional love....and forget loneliness.  I want him to forget the rushed feedings and quick baths and know the loving touch and adoring voice of his mommy who has been wanting him SO badly for SO long.  So I struggle with loneliness.  Not so much mine, but his.  Today I was singing to him, and again the tears started hitting his little cheeks.  I burst into tears pretty much at the drop of a hat because I am overcome with emotion and love for this little boy who I had never even met 2 1/2 days ago.  Rich and I have always sung the same few songs to our babies.  One of them is "I cross my heart"...an older country song.  I tried my best a few times to get through it but it was almost useless, here's why: 

Our love is unconditional, I knew it from the start.
I see it in your eyes, you can feel it from my heart.
From here on after, let's stay the way we are right now,
and share all the love and laughter, that a lifetime will allow.
I cross my heart and promise to,
give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true,
in all the world, you'll never find,
a love as true as mine.

As I struggled to get through the song today, the Lord dropped a verse in my spirit.  And now I'm okay.

Joel 2:25
The LORD says, "I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.  It was I who sent this great destroying army against you."

It was God's plan for Caleb to be alone for 5 weeks, because it was in that time that He would lead him to us.  And he will give it back.  I trust Him.

 

 

 

Overwhelmed!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Oh my goodness! 

 

This is really happenening!!!!!! 

 

We have really (yes REALLY!) been chosen for this precious, amazing, BEAUTIFUL baby BOY! 

 

Many of you know that for almost two years now we have been in the process of adoption, specifically Down Syndrome adoption.  Well after many closed doors, last week we heard about this precious little one with special needs who needed a home....but does NOT have Down Syndrome.  He was born with something called Congenital CMV and he is being treated with an antiviral medication via IV for the next 3 weeks in the NICU.  We prayed and PRAYED that God would direct our paths and close doors that were not ours to go through.  So when we got the call today....I think my heart stopped for a minute!  We are reminded that although we make our plans....GOD sometimes has other plans!  Our little man will have many mountains to climb and we feel so privileged to be the family God has called to give him a home.  We do not know at this time how he will be affected by the CMV long term.  CMV is a mild cold virus that most people have had...but it can wreak havoc on a pregnancy.  We will love him unconditionally and help him be what he is called to be.  He is a blessing and a treasure.  I wish I could bottle the excitement in this house this very minute!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

Look at him!  He's ours!  I still can't wrap my mind around it!!!!

 

Introducing

 

CALEB PARKER HOWELL

 

 

The adoption fees on this little guy are high....and we are asking for your help.  If you feel led to help us, please share our story, our blog, and our AdoptTogether site.  If we can find 700 people to give only $15 each, we can bring him home, ransom paid.  If you can give more, that would be wonderful.   His fees are $21,500 but with gifts from family and what AT&T will pay for this adoption ($5000!) we only need to raise $10,500.  You can give a tax deductible donation at www.adopttogether.org/howelladoption

 

Also, we covet your prayers.  Here is how you can pray specifically for our family:

Caleb will not be able to come back to Georgia for 5 weeks.  3 weeks in the NICU and then 2 weeks of interstate compact paperwork.  Please pray for our family as Mommy is with Caleb and Daddy splits his time between the hospital (8 hours from home) and work...and takes care of the kids.  Rich's parents will thankfully be able to care for the kids most of the time.  Please pray for health for everyone.  Patience for everyone.  Pray as the kids continue to do their schoolwork while I am away.  I know the kids are going to miss their Mommy and I am SO going to miss my babies.  This is going to be hard, but part of this journey is going to be doing the hard thing.  Please pray for financial provisions.  Pray that the Ronald McDonald house has room for us.  Pray for Caleb's birthmother.  She is precious to us, and heartbroken I am sure.  Pray that we can love on her and minister to her in whatever way God shows us.  Pray that we listen when the Holy Spirit speaks and that we show love in every word and action.  Her soul, her eternal destiny, is just as important to us as Caleb's.  Caleb has a calling....and God used her to deliver him to us.  We will forever be thankful for her.

 

Thank you for your love and support the past 2 years.  The joy and tears...you've all been there.  Little did I know when Selah passed away in late July that I had a baby boy growing and waiting to call me Mommy.  I am so blessed even the nations shall know God's great favor is upon me. 

Lord, we thank you.