Thursday, March 7, 2013

Dear Caleb

I've held you in my arms for 45 days now.  It seems like I've known you forever.  I've been thinking and praying a lot about what the future holds for you and your sweet life.  I've been thinking about where you came from and how one day that will be important to you.  It's hard to imagine you as a 12 year old boy, like Carter is now, and yet I know from experience how soon that moment will arrive.  One day, not too far down the road, you will begin asking me questions.  Questions that will allow me to tell you the story of you. Tears immediately fill my eyes when I think of your story.  Some people will tell you that you are extra special because we chose you, but we did not.  Don't get me wrong, I would have!  You were the most beautiful little 7 pound 4 ounce bundle and I was instantly in love with you when I saw you.  However, when I went in that room on January 21st, 2013 I knew that you were indeed chosen, by God.  You were our Caleb.  Your name was ringing on our lips and in our hearts for 2 years before our eyes fell on your sweet little face. You were set apart and chosen by God long before you even began growing in your birth mother's belly.  I have loved being a mother and giving birth.  Carrying a baby for 9 months and then seeing them for the first time is one of life's most amazing blessings.  I never imagined that something could be as precious and amazing as those moments.  In 2009, a few years before you were born, God began speaking to our hearts about adoption.  He would slowly open each of our hearts one by one to the beauty awaiting us.  God taught us about our own adoption into His family through Jesus and how beautiful our story is because of Him. He taught us that His adoption story is meant to go on and on.  He taught us about unconditional love and "special" needs.  He taught us grace and sacrifice through the love of others on our journey.  He taught us to grieve in His Presence after we lost your sister Selah, and to press on when our circumstances said "Caleb's not really coming."  He taught us to cry out to Him and to hold on for dear life to His every promise.  You, my boy, are His promise.  The fullfillment of His word to us.  Your life is proof of His faithfulness and because of you I see the Lord more clearly.  Where you came from is not a mystery.  You came directly from your Father who was planning for you for a long time and just waiting on our obedience and willingness to walk in His plan.  You are my blessing because I said yes to whatever God wanted in my life.  It seems backwards to think now that at first He called us to what seemed like sacrifice.  You are not one bit a sacrifice to us.  You are perfect.  You are everything we didn't know we needed.  You make our family exactly what it is supposed to be.  You were never unwanted, never unloved, and never without hope.  God's plan for you ALWAYS WAS and from the moment of your conception, I was your Mommy and I was waiting for you with baited breath.  You spent some time alone in the hospital and my heart longs for those moments but God used that time and the virus in your tiny body to make the way for you to be ours.  It was the plan all along, and I refuse to question the God who blessed us with you.  I know you will wonder about the woman who gave birth to you and about your biological father as well.  My prayer is that you will never feel anything but love for them, as they were chosen by God to be a part of your story too, Caleb.  I have only met your birth mother.  I am very hopeful that by the time you are reading this that you know her well and that your life is a blessing to her as well as hers to yours.  Meeting her was pretty indescribable, but I will try.  We met her at the hospital in Florida where you were in the NICU in the cafeteria on a Monday morning.  She is an absolutely beautiful lady.  She has the prettiest eyes and long brown hair.  She was warm and smiled graciously. We hugged.  I wish so much to go back and be there in that moment again.  To hug her again.  I instantly liked her.  She walked us up to the NICU and we had a chance to talk for a bit while they were doing paperwork before we could acutally go in your room.  We talked about how she loved horseback riding and how she enjoys making jewelry.  She is creative, like me.  I wanted to tell her the story of you.  I couldn't though, it wasn't the time.  I wanted to tell her how long I had been praying for her, and for her heart during this time.  I wanted her to know that I loved her, even though I had only met her minutes before.  How could I convey to her the amazing move of God on her life and ours in the few minutes we had together?  I couldn't.  I didn't even try.  She went in first to hold you and then we went in after a few mintues.  She was smiling with you in her arms and there was love on her face.  Love for us, and love for you.  We told her how beautiful you were and how thankful we were to her for entrusting us with your life.  She kept thanking us.  She was so kind and so caring and sweet to us.  She made the moment perfect.  We took turns holding you for the first time and then she took a picture of us together.  You smiled.  At 5 weeks old, you smiled.  She said she thought you knew we were your parents.  I think she was right.  We said goodbye and left her there to say her goodbye to you.  My heart hurt for her and my love grew exponentially for her in that moment.  I will forever be connected to her in a way that cannot be explained.  I love her and I think about her and pray for her multiple times a day.  God chose her to carry you.  It wasn't random and I can't help but wonder what blessings the Lord has in store for her life.  I hope that God reveals Himself to her and shows her what an amazing part of His plan she is. My sweet baby, as you grow, I am praying that God helps me to convey to you the beauty of your life.  When the enemy comes againsts you with thoughts of abandonment and sorrow I am praying that you will learn over the next years how to use the armor of God to do battle and after all else, to stand firm.  I pray that you learn the Word of God so well that it comes as no surprise to you that God has some amazing, not so ordinary stories like yours.  More than anything, I pray that you come to know your Father so closely that you never doubt His love or ours.  You are my promise.  You are my love.  You are my blessing.

Your birthmom took this picture of us.
             Some of our sweet time alone while you were in the NICU.

         You have a Daddy.  He's the best....but you know that by now.

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