Purpose

All of my children have special callings on their lives. As they grow I know we will begin to see more clearly which areas to help them grow and what areas to encourage them in. Today we realized that football is NOT Landon's calling. Comedy might be more like it! When Carter was only a year and a half old, we were traveling and had stopped at a McDonalds late one night. I was waiting by the condiment counter for Rich to complete our order, when an older, grey haired black man walked in. He had a beard and wore tattered clothing. He approached me and I smiled. I thought for sure he was going to ask for some money, or possibly a hamburger or something. But instead, he gently placed his hand on my little boy's head, looked me square in the eyes and simply said, "That little boy is gonna be a preacher one day." Then he went right on about his business. Ten years later, this verse comes to mind: "And do not forget to show kindness to strangers, for by this, some who, while they were unaware, were worthy to receive angels." Hebrews 13:2 I hope my smile counted as kindness! I do not know if Carter will be called to preach, but I know God has something great for him. Same for Lily Bean. I mentioned in my Selah post that Cassidy has a special calling on her life. It's very comical to me to think back to the first few years of her life and imagine that we would be where we are now with her. She graced the world screaming at the top of her lungs, and didn't stop. She humbled me. I thought I was super mom because Carter was such an easy baby. I must have been doing everything perfectly, right? Wrong. I was frustrated for about 3 years straight. She was a mess. I was a bigger mess. I was without a doubt MISERABLE. God made her a cutie pie, because He knew how she was going to be. I'll never forget the nurses in the hospital coming in and asking if I had a good support system at home....because my baby cries A LOT. That crying turned right into a very VERY strong will. Like throwing an entire tray of food all over the food court when she was 2 because she didn't get her drink fast enough. I know some of you are thinking, "Spank that child!"....I beg you not judge lest God give you a child like this! HA! My family and friends can attest to the consistent discipline she received. Her will pushed on. I used to whisper in her ear every day as she was screaming, "We are best friends".....praying that one day it would be true. As she learned to talk and got a little bit older, we noticed that she would adamently stick up for her siblings when they were in trouble. She was very defensive and would not let anything "unfair" (in her eyes) happen. As I said before, she was horrified to learn that there were children at that children's home who did not have a family or a home. It is not fair, in her little utopian mind. She wanted to stick up for them. I was very open with her (and all the children) as we prayed and talked about the adoption. I showed them pictures of children with Down Syndrome on the internet. I was amazed at their response, especially Cassidy's. They ohhhed and ahhhhed and smiled and laughed at the silly outfits some had on. They wanted each and every one. Some of the children in other countries are in such bad shape that it takes my breath away. Some of the children with other syndromes had extreme facial deformities. I was watching Cassidy's face and when one little girl's extremely malformed face popped up, she gasped, covered her mouth....and said "Mama, I want that one. Noone else will ever want her!" Her comment exposed such ugliness in me that I was ashamed of myself. Tears welled up in my eyes and she asked me why I was crying. I had nothing to say. I didn't want to admit to her that I saw these children with different eyes than she did.  One Saturday morning, I surprised her and took her to the Special Olympics. She was in hog heaven just being there and watching all of the people playing baseball and seeing all the children with special needs. Again, I was amazed, and beginning to realize that she is different than other children. Soon after this time, a new thrift store was opening up right by our home. It is called the Pier Foundation and they employ people with special needs and help them to work in the community and learn independence. Cassidy was just dying to go when it opened. I remember wondering what on earth she was going to do in there...but as it turns out, she felt right at home. We walked in for the first time, and as I looked around at books and games, Cassidy spotted a lady in her 30's or 40's rearranging baby dolls in the toy section. She seemed to be thoroughly enjoying her work :) Cassidy asked if she could go over there and I nodded. I could hear the lady say to her, "Hi, do you like teddy bears? I love teddy bears." Cassidy said "Yes! I do! I have a whole bunch of them on my bed and I sleep with them." The lady replied with excitement, "I only have two, but I sleep with them every night too, just like you!" They went on to discuss baby dolls and TV and all sorts of things, including their names. We finished up and said goodbye. When we got in the van, Cassidy said, "Mommy, can I bring Jenny one of my teddy bears? She only has two and I have a bunch." I thought it might be awkward, but agreed that we could stop by on our way back to church that Wednesday evening. When we got home, Cassidy went in her room for about 30 minutes, and when she came out she had her favorite teddy bear from Build-a-Bear all dressed up with necklaces and a bow on its head. She asked if I minded if she gave her favorite bear away. How could I say no? How could I let awkwardness stop my little girl from doing what her heart said was the right thing to do? So on the way to church, Cassidy and I ran in really quickly to give Jenny a bear....and what happened next I will never in my life forget. Cassidy hesitantly looked around until she saw Jenny. She walked over to her and held out the bear. She said "I brought this bear for you Jenny." I don't think there are words to really describe Jenny's reaction, you just had to feel it. And boy did I feel it. She placed both hands on her heart and said "FOR ME? You're giving your teddy bear to ME?" Cassidy just nodded. Jenny took the bear in her arms and hugged it like it was the best gift she had ever received. (I am sure it's not! Jenny is very obviously very well loved and cared for) She then took Cassidy's hand, and then hugged her, and then took her hand again, and she looked her in the eyes and said "You're my friend, and I'm naming my bear Cassidy!" My heart almost exploded in that store. She hugged me too and told me that I was her friend too, and I am. As I walked out of the store with tears on my face, I remember thinking, "This is what the joy of the Lord is." No amount of money, no exotic vacation, no fancy car or diamond ring could ever make me feel that way. Since we've moved, we haven't seen Jenny for about 4 months or so. Cassidy was nervous that Jenny would forget her and was daily asking to see her, so we went by the store this morning. Suffice it to say that Jenny had not forgotten her...and they held hands the whole time. We actually had to pry them apart so that Jenny could go back to work! These are from this morning. Notice their hands.

Jenny was talking about the TLC show 19 kids and counting and asked Cassidy if she had cable.  Cassidy said no, and Jenny said "You should". 





Sweet Friends

 God has given my fiesty little girl the spirit of an advocate. 
An advocate for precious people, and friends, like Jenny.  How do I thank Him for doing something like that?



Count the cost

In March of 2011, I finally came to the conclusion that God truly was calling us to adopt.  I had been seeking the Lord diligently, reading the Word daily, and praying for wisdom.  My husband (who happens to be the most amazing, supportive, God loving, sweet, caring man I've ever met....just sayin') on the other hand...was fighting what God was doing.  How was he fighting it?  By ignoring it.  By not reading the Word, and not praying about it.  Adding another child to our home, possibly even an older child, is frightening.  I totally understood where he was coming from, and all I could do was pray.  He is the head of our home after all, it's not like I'm going to go adopt without him!  So on April 9th, 2011 I was flat on my face on our king size bed crying out to God.  "Lord, I give you my life, my marriage, my children, all my future plans, and I will do anything you ask of me.  Adoption is not what is easy or comfortable, but I am willing to do whatever you ask of me.  Please show us where to go from here.  Reveal and confirm your plan to Rich.  I can't do this on my own.  Please change his heart if this is your plan.  I feel so torn."  I then prayed the dangerous prayer! HA!  "Lord, I will do ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING, just reveal it to Rich too please".  In that very moment, in my spirit, I heard the Lord say to me "What if that baby has Down Syndrome?"
*insert pin drop*
What?  Did I just make that up?  Down Syndrome?  Where did that come from?  Why not a baby from China, God?  Why not an orphan from that orphanage?  
I think there was a good 5 minutes before I realized He had asked me a question that required an answer.  While every bit of my flesh wanted to shout NO!.......my spirit cried out "Yes, I said anything and I mean it".  If this is the plan, please confirm it over and over again.  And Lord....uhhhhh........my husband, you're gonna have to do Your thing".
Days went by.  I had the heaviest heart.  How do you tell your husband that God told you to adopt a baby with Down Syndrome?  I asked Rich to pray because I had something to talk to him about.  It pretty much just drove him nutso.  I knew God was going to have to do a miracle.  And to be honest, I doubted it was gonna happen.  So I fasted.  Like no food in exchange for God's help.  The 3rd morning of my fast, as I was praying by myself (the kids were in school at this point), I read this:  Proverbs 20:24 "The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?"  WOW!  Phew, ok good, I'll just do what He says and be a happy girl.  The next verse:  "Don't trap yourself by making a rash promise to God, and only later counting the cost." 
*crickets* 
What is the cost?  In this case, what is the cost of obedience?  To be honest, I didn't know.  I had to pray hard.  What kept coming to mind was "freedom".  I'm going to give up my freedom.  Freedom to do my own thing.  Freedom to have my husband to myself in 13 years.  Freedom to do as I please.  Freedom to enjoy the "easy life".  Freedom to make decisions based on what we want instead of what we need.  But we sing about freedom and boast about the freedom we have in Christ.  These two freedoms must be different.
2 Corinthians 3:17-18  For the Lord is Spirit and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord.  And the Lord, who is the Spirit, makes us more and more like Him as we are changed into His glorious image.
***Freedom to become like Him.  The life we are living, our earthly freedoms, and our selfishness are keeping us from the freedom to be like him.
I'm struggling to put these moments into words, as they were the most life changing moments I had experienced up until this point. 
Galations 4:5
God sent Jesus to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that He could adopt us as his very own children. 
How humbling it is to think that it is so hard for me to give up my worldly freedom, when God gave up His very own Son so that I could be adopted MYSELF as His child and inherit the very freedom He is offering me.  Freedom and adoption go together.  Wow.  How amazing God is to teach me about my own adoption and freedom (true freedom) through the calling to adopt a child with special needs, therefore losing my own freedom (earthly freedom).  Most of what I'm writing is straight from my journal.  Here is the prayer I prayed that day.  Lord, thank you for helping me count the cost.  Adopting a baby with Down Syndrome will cost me and my family our freedom.  Adopting me cost you your freedom and your life.  It cost you everything, and I gained everything.  You got me in return.  All of me, all my freedom, all my preconceived notions about what my life should be like, all my hopes, my dreams, my reality.  Amen.
That night, with tear filled eyes and an anxious heart, I approached my husband.  Let's just say it didn't go well.  I was heartbroken.  He was overwhelmed.  I asked one thing of him, and he agreed.  "Let's get up and read our Bibles together again tomorrow.  Seek Him and see if He shows you these things."
At 5:30 am the next morning I was sitting on the couch hoping and praying that Rich would get up and read.  I knew it would take a long time, but as long as I knew he was seeking God, I could wait.  I can always trust him when he is seeking the Lord.  He is sensitive to the Spirit and his heart is open to Him when He speaks.  He came out of the room with Bible in hand and a grumpy look on his face.  He plopped down and began reading in the Old Testament where he had left off at the beginning of the year.  I thought, "why can't you read something in the New Testament!  You're being stubborn!"  Cause I know everything ya know.....and God needs my help.  :o)  Rich finished reading, kissed my forehead, told me he loved me tenderly and then walked out the door to work.  I was ready for the long wait.  This was a big thing, I was going to be understanding.  I was going to honor my husband and his authority.
About 4 hours later, Rich called and asked me to read Numbers chapter 13 and 14, where he had read this morning.  (also where he had left off 4 months earlier)  It is the story of Moses and Aaron, Joshua and Caleb and the land of milk and honey.  The Lord had promised the land to the Israelites after bringing them out of captivity in Egypt.  It was supposedly a great little parcel of property.  He told them to send 12 men to scout out the land, its food, trees, people, boundries, etc.  When they came back after 40 days, they told them of a beautiful land flowing with milk and honey.  It was awesome and everything God had promised.  But ten of the men were focused more on the giants that lived in the land and the fortified city walls than the promises of God.  They would not listen to Caleb when he said that they should go and take the land that the Lord had promised them.  They were afraid of losing their lives, their children, and their freedom.  The Lord was very angry with them.  He told them they would die before ever seeing the promise land and their children would inherit it instead, after wandering in the desert for 40 years. 
My humble husband said to me, "Natalie, last night you came to me and described the land of milk and honey that God has shown you for our family....and all I kept telling you was about the giants that I saw."
*******************************************************************************

I'll cut this short for now, (HAHA) but I wanted to say that this post was so hard for me to write, because God has taught me and shown me SO much about myself, Himself, and Down Syndrome since then. I am not the same girl. I do not dread losing my freedom. I have freedom in Christ and absolutely cannot wait for God's promises to come to pass. I am not afraid of Down Syndrome. I love Down Syndrome.

Here are a couple pictures straight from the land of milk and honey. 

And no, I didn't steal pictures from the net of the cutest kids in the world with Down Syndrome...I took them myself!  They are perfect and precious in every way....all 47 chromosomes of them.  Their amazing mother (through adoption) was sent straight to me from the Lord.  When describing her, I always tell people that her heart pumps the blood of Jesus.  Oh, that mine would too.  Here is her blog.  They are preparing to bring another baby home.  www.nogreatergift.blogspot.com

Selah

One day late last summer, Rich and I had the kids down at the river to play.  There was a little girl there, probably about 2 years old.  Her Daddy called to her, "Selah, come here!".  I thought, oh what a beautiful name.  When we got in the van I told Rich I had a name for a little girl if God ever blessed us with another one.  He immediately said "Selah!  I heard it too!"  A month or two later, there was a preacher at church who preached the most beautiful sermon I've ever heard.  It was titled "Selah".  Most people have heard the word, but really don't know what it means.  Selah is a little word used in scripture, mostly in the book of Psalms.  A selah is a musical pause.  A time during a song, to pause and reflect.  An interlude.  This pastor explained that we have selahs in our life as well.  In fact, our lives are like songs that the Lord has written.  There are times where we need to pause, take a moment to ponder what God has done, and look forward to what new thing He is going to do.  Sometimes a selah is the end to one chapter and the beginning of another.  An end to one thought, the beginning of a new one.
Selah Joy.  Our baby's name.  Today we found out that it is a baby girl waiting for us in heaven.  The ultrasound was wrong.  Her testing showed that she had completely "typical" or normal chromosomes of the female variety.  There is no explanation for her loss, except that it was in God's plan.  I have cried a lot today.  The heaviness of a child lost.  My arms and belly feel so empty.  But my heart is full.  As I prayed today, the Lord showed me that He had named her even before He began knitting her together in my womb.  He knew we would need to pause, reflect, and wait.  She was our Selah.  Our musical pause. Wait for what, you may ask?  Wait for what the Lord has promised.  Wait on His perfect timing.  I need to back up, so hang on. 
At the beginning of 2011, we were driving home from S. Georgia and we passed a children's home.  Cassidy inquired about it.  When I told her that children live there who do not have parents, she immediately exclaimed, "Go back!".....  "What?"  "Go back and get one!  We have room in our van!"  My heart broke in that moment and delighted at the same time.  This was the first indication of a very obvious calling on my daughter's life.  We always knew that God had a big plan for her big personality and her big strong will!  Cassidy talked for 5 hours on the way home about these children and insisted that we need to "get one". We talked about how God commands us to care for the orphans and how there are different ways that we can do that. There are workers at the orphanage, there are people who support orphans and adoptions financially, and there are families whom God calls to adopt.  I finally told her to pray about it, and see where God led us, because it wasn't as easy as just going and picking a child up. 
Cassidy prayed.  And she prayed and she prayed and she prayed.  And soon Mommy began thinking that maybe God had put this on her little girl's heart for a reason.  No way, right?  We have 4 children and we live on one salary.  We only had 4 bedrooms in our house.  I'm busy enough already.  There's just no way.  However, I know that God is beyond those things, so I half heartedly prayed, and sought His guidance.  Well don't you know that every time we would get in the van there would be a commercial on the radio about adoption.  Everywhere we went, we saw children who had obviously been adopted.  Movies would come on about adoption.  It was a little weird....so I prayed a little more.  Then one day I was preparing for a photo shoot.  It was an engagement shoot, so I had the Bible opened to the "Love" passage in Corinthians.  I was planning to photograph their rings on the Bible, using the macro (or closeup) mode on my lens.  I was focusing on Love is patient....when I focused a little too far down....and this is what I saw. 

It's hard to envision, but when I moved my focus, the word adoption was huge and in my face.  Love is adoption.  (that's another blog post)  I want a canvas of this on the wall to remind me when the road gets rough, that God has called us to this.  Over the next months, God confirmed His plan over and over again.  He even made it more specific.  Just when you get comfortable....He pushes you further.  And you grow.  Strong.  Because He exposes your weakness, your inabilities, your sinful ugly heart filled with selfishness and the world's ideas.  But in your weakness....HE is strong.  He has big plans for us.  Bigger than we can handle.  Because of this, He will get the glory when we are doing the impossible. 
He has called us to adopt.  We were right that it's not as easy as going to the orphanage to pick up a child.  The home study is rigorous, time consuming, and expensive.  But do you know that on the day I called the adoption agent, I received 3 phone calls for photo sessions! I had not been taking photo sessions at all at this point so no one ever called!  I earned $1000 toward the $1500 home study within a couple weeks just by saying yes when God provided work.  When it came time for the last payment of $500, we did not have it.  Sunday morning, Rich went up to pray at the altar and asked the Lord to provide.  While he was praying, I stepped out to use the restroom.  Our sweet friend caught me in the hall and handed me an envelope, and told me that her husband told her to give it to me.  I took it back in the sanctuary and when Rich got back from the altar we opened a check for $500.  Our God is good, and faithful.
I have so much more to share, I will have to do it in multiple blog posts.  However, as you can see, we were not expecting a pregnancy in March.  We were caught off guard, surprised, and so very excited....but a bit confused as to how this would fit in with God's plan.  Now it is a little clearer.  Our precious girl was our Selah.  She was meant to help us pause, hold a space in time, fill it with joy, and help us ponder where we've come from in the past year and a half, and look ahead to where God is taking us now.  We are ready and waiting for our newest child.  We will miss Selah, but we are so thankful for the joy she brought to our family while she was here.  She filled my every moment with joy for 4 months.  The Lord gave her the name Selah, but Mommy named her Joy.  Selah Joy.  I'll be home soon sweet baby.

Not Wounded

Oh, how sweet it is to hear a word from the Lord.
This morning I woke up to a quiet house, made a cup of hot tea, and grabbed my little girl's Bible.  I plopped down on the couch and closed my eyes.  "Lord, show me something.  Speak to me this morning.  I need to hear from you."  I opened the Bible and it opened to the book of Daniel, chapter 6.  (Daniel in the Lion's Den)  I thought this was funny because last week was vacation bible school at church and they studied this exact passage.  I was supposed to teach the 3rd and 4th graders, but was unable due to the loss of our baby and surgery.  So I smiled and thought, "He had something for me too last week and He didn't want me to miss it."  Let me back up a little.  Last night as we were driving I was telling my husband that I don't want to be sad forever.  Losing a baby can be devastating.  Life changing.  Depressing.  Scary.  So many bad things.  It can change who you are and wound your soul.  I don't want that.  I want my JOY.  So this morning I began reading.  Daniel was thrown into the Lion's Den for praying to God.  He had done nothing wrong, yet he was in this place of great danger.  Danger of being wounded.  Danger of losing his life.  When the king threw Daniel into the Lion's den, he yelled out to him, "May your God, whom you serve continually, rescue you!"  Well most of you know, the Lord did indeed rescue Daniel.  He shut the mouths of the lions, sent an angel to minister to him, and kept him completely free from harm.  Here's the verse that brought tears streaming down my face.  Verse 23:  "The king was overjoyed and gave orders to lift Daniel out of the den.  And when Daniel was lifted from the den, no wound was found on him, because he trusted God."  Shouldn't it have said "and when Daniel was lifted from the den, no wound was found on him, because God had shut the mouths of the lions"???  Daniel was not wounded BECAUSE HE TRUSTED GOD.  Did you read my last blog post?  HA! How sweet to know He hears me, not only when I'm praying, but when I'm talking to Rich.  I will not be forever wounded, because I trust Him.  I trust in Him to take away my sins AND my wounds.  By His wounds I am healed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JElzkHX5smE

I pray that someone who is reading this with deep wounds, can trust God enough to ask Him to heal your wounds.

Trust.

I trust my husband. He has proven himself faithful. How? By loving me and protecting me, unconditionally. Even at his own expense. Every decision he makes is thought through to the best of his ability to see what is best for ME and for our family. He is not perfect, but he IS trustworthy.
I trust my Dad. From the time I was a little bitty baby (ok 10 pounds 4 ounces isn’t so little…) he has taken care of me. He put our needs before his own to make sure we were fed, clothed and cared for. He has loved and protected me. He looks out for me and thinks of me, and when he can help me, he does it. He has my best interest at heart. I know that, because I know his character and I know his heart.
My baby died. I cry just typing that. I really can’t believe that it’s a true statement yet. I wish I could backspace it right off this page. I hate that I never got to hold him or tell him I loved him. I struggle with the fact that the whole world is going on and on like nothing happened, when MY BABY DIED. But you know what comforts me? It’s not my husband, or my Dad, or even my Mom. It’s trust.
I trust God. That sounds so cliché. I trust my heavenly Father. He has proven Himself faithful. How? By loving and protecting me, unconditionally. Even at his own expense. Every decision he makes is thought through to see what is best for ME and for our family. He looks out for me and thinks of me, and when he can help me, he does it. He has my best interest at heart. I know that, because I know His character and I know his heart. Sounds familiar….He loves me in the same ways my husband does, but perfectly. He is my Groom too. I wear a beautiful ring on my right hand to remind me of my Groom’s love for me. Today it reminds me to trust His love for me. I’m walking through this life with only partial knowledge. I explained it to Cassidy this way: It’s like we are walking through an obstacle course blindfolded. We are given a guide who can see. Do I listen to my guide? Or do I go by what I feel? I feel sadness. But my Guide, who knows EVERYTHING, made a decision, and I now have the choice to trust Him, or to just feel SAD and question Him. What if my Protector knew that there was a blood clot waiting to take MY life in the next few months or during childbirth? I am His joy and His song. He adores me, and wants what is best for me. ALL His gifts are good and perfect. This baby boy is good and perfect. He is not in my arms, but he is in the arms of my first love. His eternity is settled. I trust that God made the best decision for me and for my family. I mourn the plans I had for this baby in this life, but I rejoice in the plans that God has for my baby and my family. He loves me, and my hope is in Him alone.
I’ve been blessed with a husband, a Daddy and a Father who love me so amazingly well. I will trust that although I am blind, He can see... and through my tears, I will lift my hands to the God who created my inmost being and loves me and protects me, even when it hurts. And oh how I pray that my songs of praise during this time bring Him all the glory He deserves.